Chugging Along

I "fixed" our unruly scanner this morning! No more sending expensive faxes to get our documents approved before apostilling (? Please, can someone verify the correct spelling? I've read it 7 different ways and the dictionary has no opinion).

So this morning I'm scanning $80 worth of dossier documents (our CSPs and POAs) to our state-side facilitator (Nancy! She's wonderful!), and hopefully this afternoon I will be sending all our documents obtained in Washington off to be apostilled.

We still have a few simpler documents to notarize and aposstile, but we'll be doing them on Fort Lewis, for FREE (we love free!) and thus will be sending them of to Washington DC for aposstiling instead of Washington state.

Difficult Decisions

The country we're adopting from is extremely unstable right now. Donald has training (which he can't get out of, ugh) in August, so we can't risk submitting our dossier in June (as it would likely result in an August travel date).

We're still waiting to hear whether HIV+ children we be included as a special need under the new law that outlaws the adoption of children under 5 without special needs.

Huge changes (of unknown form and degree) are scheduled to take place on June 15th.

Assuming nothing actually changes (in terms of paperwork for us), we'd be submitting our dossier in late July or early August, with a travel date (presumably) in the fall.

Which leaves zero room for error, as Donald deploys next summer. We'd like at least a few months of bonding time before daddy leaves for a year.

And that's assuming Brigitte and Virginia (the girls we placed commitment paperwork in for) remain adoptable. In the current climate, it seems not-so-unlikely that they could become ineligible for adoption between now and then. Just today, a parent arrived in-country with the impression she was adopting two specific children, only to be told one was not available.

So we face some difficult decisions.

If we give up on adopting these two girls - well, we're giving up on them. Giving up. Just thinking it makes me feel despicable... but at what point do I start making calculated and logical decisions, instead of letting my heart string me along and into ruins?

If this adoption goes south a few months down the road, it won't leave us time to complete another adoption (and could we afford a different country?) before Donald deploys. Pushing off parenthood for another 12+ month deployment? We'd then be starting the process all over again, then completing an adoption in 2013-ish.

I just don't have the patience. Or the willpower. Or the strength of heart and mind.

After 5 years of infertility and struggling to adopt, I just feel so... forgotten by God.
The infertility, I was fine with. Seriously. It sucked, but I quickly got past it. There are kids who need families, and parenthood has little to do with expelling a child from your uterus. Message received.

But every single step of our journey being filling with roadblocks? We would have had a child home from Eastern Europe by now if Donald's last tour of duty hadn't been needlessly extended (and I do mean needlessly. He sat in Arizona for months after coming back from Afghanistan. He was doing NOTHING - just waiting for orders, which had been deleted, to be reinstated so he could return home to his duty station).

So... why all the drama, God? Surely, He has reasons. Why I remain in the dark... I've yet to realize. I'm worn out from playing the drama queen role, and I really hope he knows that. We're ready for a nice, quiet, simple life.

So will we continue with our plans to adopt from Eastern Europe?

I just have no freakin idea any more. And I'm burnt out.

"Healthy Children" Under 5 No Longer Adoptable

We got word that today, in the nation we're adopting from, a law was passed which prohibits any children under the age of 5 without special needs from being adopted by foreigners.

Whether to count HIV as a special need seems obvious from my perspective, but the jury is still out in Eastern Europe.

The Commitment/Referral Process

is agonizing.

I had almost forgotten how hard it is to decide which children you intend to provide a family for, and which to leave behind.

Even as we inch closer to making the final decision, we're having doubts. We were so gung-ho on round 1. The decision was clear on which children we were supposed to commit to, and there was no fear of "what if" involved. Now, we're trying to remove ourselves as much as we can without hindering our receptiveness to spiritual promptings. Keeping a level head, not getting too attached, yet still remaining open to the whisperings of a higher power? They conflict on various levels.

Then you take two very different people such as Donald and I, and it makes things all sorts of fun. If it was up to Donald, we'd wait until the same day of court to even consider who want to adopt (which, can you blame him?). I, on the other hand, am pushover for these kids. I'd put the paperwork in today for half an orphanage if I could.

But no matter what, lots of heart-string-tugging orphans will be left behind. :-(

Fletcher is No Longer Adoptable

We lost the referral for Fletcher today.

Losing a referral is fairly rare, so when we lost Eli last month we were at peace about it. He was being adopted by a Ukrainian family! It was wonderful news!

This is harder. Fletcher has been adoptable for at least two years now (though possibly longer).
And now, one month shy of his 4th birthday, his birth mother has reappeared on the scene. Whether or not they will be reunified is unclear at this point, but he is no longer available for adoption at all.

Please pray with us that his mother is making a genuine and sufficient effort to offer him a stable, healthy, and permanent home. Unfortunately, many parents make idle attempts at parenting which only hurt their children in the long run. Everyone deserves redemption though, and I'm praying that this situation is for the benefit of the little boy I love.

We just found this out today, about an hour ago. I'm heartbroken, and am a complete wreck. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm blogging - lol. We all grieve in our own weird ways though, and here I am.

We haven't decided how, or if, we'll proceed with an adoption from Eastern Europe.
I just want to be a mommy. God knows that. He has a plan, and I'm trying to adapt.

Wooooa-oooah, Livin' on a Prayer!

Wooooooooa-oooah, we're half way there!

Eh, sorta.

The paperwork is getting easier and coming to a close, but emotional difficulty and uncertainty is taking its place.

We just submitted our I-1600a to immigration (petition to immigrate an orphan), which will take a minimum of one month to be processed and returned to us for our dossier, but up to 90 days (at the low, low price of $890!). Assuming the best, we'll be able to submit everything to Fletcher's country in late May, which would likely result in an appointment between mid June and early August. Big window.

Our boy's country has some big changes coming for their adoption program. They were signed into law a week-ish ago, and these changes will take place in mid-June. As of yet, no one knows exactly what these changes will look like. International adoptions may end for a period of unknown length, and/or the paperwork requirements may change.
If adoptions are put on hold, even if there are no paperwork changes, we could end up having to re-do much of our dossier (to fulfill the requirement that all documents be less than 6 months old at time of submission).
Now, if adoptions are halted, there's a chance we could be grandfathered in if we've already been given an appointment. Maybe not though.

Complicated, right? Those scary possibilities are just a sample of the entirety of my worries right now.

I keep catching myself referring to "our boys", and then struggling to awkwardly correct myself without either a.) becoming insta-sad about losing Eli, b.) feeling guilty for letting go of him so quickly, or c.) assuming that we've already decided to replace him with a different boy. Lose-lose.
His picture is still on our wall.

Deciding on whether to now adopt a 2nd child or not has been at the front of my mind. Nothing is more heart-wrenching than "shopping" around for which baby you want (because honestly, that's what it feels like). No matter what, we're leaving a child behind for intangible reasons centric to what feels right for our family (but what about their needs, ya know?). Three days ago I cried like a baby in Donald's arms because my heart wanted so badly to bring home a baby whose needs are beyond what we could reasonably handle right now.

And the what-if's? Like if Fletcher's country closes altogether and he dies of AIDS at 12 because they stop medicating him? This single scenario crosses my chaotic mind 17 times a day. There are others.

Then I find myself worrying about the comparatively trivial things, like the thousands of dollars we'd be out if this all falls apart. Worse than that is the guilt of thinking about money when my son's life is on the line. And suddenly I realize I'm being dramatic... but what else can I be right now?

So let's hope for a miracle. Finalizing our adoption before mid-June is unrealistic, so I'm praying for something within God's realm of workability, and that we'll be given a travel date before mid-June, and then be grandfathered in under the current process.

One Less Orphan

We lost the referral for Kirill.

The boy known as David on Reece's Rainbow, who we named Eli, has found a forever family in his home country.

Without a doubt, this is God's will.

From the moment I laid eyes on Kirill, I knew that the Lord had huge things planned. Please believe me, I don't say this in poetic retrospect. I could see potential in the face of every child in their orphanage, but God had laid it upon my heart, from the moment I saw Kirill, that this little boy was destined for absolute greatness.

His paths were being divinely directed, I could feel it, and I was grateful to be a part of it.

That knowledge has made this easier.

Since January, he has been prayed for by name. Prayers for specific blessings have been sent his way, and angels have been guarding over this little boy. I'm so grateful that, although he'll never know it, he had someone loving him during his last months as an orphan.

Kirill, already a full head taller than any child in the orphanage, was facing imminent transfer to an institution after his 5th birthday, only two months from now.

It is rare for a family in his home country to seek out an HIV+ child of his age to adopt. So while I may never know his family's complete story, I'm at absolute peace about his future.

You'll always have an American lady who loves you very much, Кирилко!

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

- Isaiah 55:8-9

Ninja Training in the Art of Patience

I'm safe and sound, home from Thailand. I'm missing it already, my dry skin in particular. The warmth and humidity suited it well. I fell miserably ill the night before my flight. Whether from the flu, something I ate, or just a really awful migraine-ish type episode, we'll never know. I also slept in that morning. Again, not sure how. Lucky for me, Momma Gailey was on top of things, and she got me up in time. I cried at the security checkpoint when I said goodbye to her. That's saying a lot, because I don't do tearful farewells. Even with Donald, I think I've cried maybe once at the gate. Heidi is an angel, and miss her already.
I'll be blogging the remainder of my trip soon. :-)

Three days after the onset of symptoms and I'm feeling much better. It's great to be back with Donald, too. His frequent deployments and training exercises have made me a separation champ, but ME leaving HIM for vacation was entirely different. I don't think I've ever missed someone like that. It was kinda freaky. It didn't help that he had minor surgery 5 days before I came home. Leaving the post-op care of my husband in the hands of friends probably added to my guilt a great deal, no doubt. Overall, I think he'll agree that it's nice to have me back.

Moving along...


We're currently waiting on the liquidation of our mutual funds for adoption costs. Apparently that takes a while. We pick up the check on Thursday. After its procurement, we must MAIL it in (we bank with USAA, and they have no physical locations), and wait for funds verification. That could be another day or three.

I am GREAT at waiting (uh, hellloooo? Army wife?). To call me a patience-NINJA is to speak absolute truth.
....but THIS? This is a real trial.
How do other adopting parents do it? It physically hurts to think about the extra days they're spending without me. They need me, and I want them. Isn't that enough for them to come home?

*dramatic sigh and frown-smile*

So... let the re-mastering of patience begin!

Andrew Peterson - "Planting Trees"

This song led to some serious spiritual reflection on my part. It's beautiful, and honestly... as cheesy as it sounds, all I want to do in life is bring all my children home (however many there may be, and in whatever way they're intended to come to me) and one day, maybe, hopefully, come CLOSE to being the wife and mother who's described in the last verse.

She rises up as morning breaks
She moves among these rooms alone
Before we wake
And her heart is so full; it overflows
She waters us with love and the children grow

I only have two more days left in Thailand. As sad as I'll be to leave, I'm eager to see Donald and continue the work of bringing our boys home.




We chose the spot, we dug the hole
We laid the maples in the ground to have and hold
As Autumn falls to Winters sleep
We pray that somehow in the Spring
The roots grow deep

And many years from now
Long after we are gone
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless the dawn

He took a plane to Africa
He gathered up into his arms
An orphan son

So many years from now
Long after we are gone
This tree will spread its branches out
And bless the dawn

So sit down and write that letter
Sign up and join the fight
Sink in to all that matters
Step out into the light
Let go of all that's passing
Lift up the least of these
Lean into something lasting
Planting trees

She rises up as morning breaks
She moves among these rooms alone
Before we wake
And her heart is so full; it overflows
She waters us with love and the children grow

So many years from now
Long after we are gone
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless the dawn
These trees will spread their branches out
And bless someone

Adoption Progress!

A small bit of progress was made in the adoption today.

We needed to get our home study tweaked to include additional approval for some special needs not initially written in, and for 2 weeks I had been emailing him about it.

*crickets*

TWO

STINKIN

WEEKS

OF

*cRiCkEts*

I got myself VERY worked up, and of course took it personally. His assistant was responding to some of our other questions, but anything having to do with adding their needs in, and I got stone walled. Naturally, our social worker must be an avoidant flake who would crush any hope we had of bringing home our boys, by refusing to approve us for them.

I put my fierce momma bear face on, and give him a call.

He was very pleasant, and I appear to have been very wrong.

He had been out of the country.

Lesson learned: breathe, and never jump to conclusions.

(Oh, and he said their needs shouldn't be a problem! Hurray!)

Adoption Moratorium, Faith, and TWO Little Winns

Since November, Donald and I have made ZERO progress toward finishing our adoption. The country we're adopting from has been voting on legislation that would put a moratorium into effect for their international program. After passing two votes and being signed into law by their president, it would go into effect. It was after the first vote (where it passed) that we paused everything. Being toward the end of our home study, and having many of our documents gathered (some of which were time-sensitive and could "expire", so to speak), our best judgement told us to wait and see what would happen next.

Any further progress would have been a significant financial investment in adopting from our specific country. The cost for translating the documents was over $4,000 alone. If their program closed and we had to switch countries, we'd be out by several thousand.

A huge financial risk... that we weren't willing to take.

I remember reading blogs of fellow adopting parents who made the opposite decision, and were pushing forward in faith. My reaction? "Oh, they must be loaded..." or, "Wow, how naive...". At best, I might have thought they were brave or inspirationally optimistic.

Now, I find myself ashamed of those judgements. Aside from it obviously being NO business of mine, I now see the fruits of their faith: submissions of dossiers, dates received, plane tickets purchased, and some families with children already in their arms, home forever.

While we, the "financially prudent family", sit here on the couch with our dogs, watching X-files.

Several "postponements" in the voting process later (among other things), a moratorium is no more imminent than it was two months ago. And yet, we're no closer to having a Little Winn home, either.

Not for long, though. We're moving forward. We're doing this thing. We're taking the financial leap of faith, and are tapping into retirement accounts (lol, who needs a retirement fund - our kids can care for us in old age!) We're bringing home our Little Winn... or rather, our Little WinnS.

We've decided to bring home TWO children from Eastern Europe.

Details are still being hammered out, but I'll post more information once things are official.

ONWARD!

Amazon Makes Life Easier

Blogs without pictures are boring, and my camera cord has been MIA for a couple months now. I've been conveniently using that as an excuse not to blog... but no more!

I finally broke down and ordered a new one from Amazon five minutes ago. It cost me a whopping $3 (actually, it was $0.25 but they got me with shipping), and within a week this blog should be back in business.

I also bought:

This book is wildly popular in adoption circles, and I've heard a lot of great things about it. In an attempt to be more frugal, I've been trying to convince myself to use the library more often... but this one felt like a purchase.

Donald has a very busy work schedule and has little time to read, so I like to highlight the most relevant and important sections of parenting books for him to flip though. You just can't do that with library books.

I Don't Need No Stinkin' Stretchmarks

Some days this adoption doesn't feel real.

Unlike most mothers, my belly isn't growing. There are no flutters, kicks, or (thankfully) bouts of morning sickness. While other moms are experiencing constant physical reminders of the joy forming in their tummies, I have pieces of paper.

...and lemme tell ya, filling out ridiculous forms is nowhere near as fun as maternity shopping.

Sometimes, fear gets the better of me. My fears are similar to what a lot of pregnant moms experience though, I'm sure.

"What if something happens?"
What if the Eastern European judge takes one look at Donald's tattoos, and deems us unfit parents? What if my youthful face (at 24, strangers are shocked that I'm over 20) works against my favor, and the court decides I seem too young and immature to bring home a 4 year old we've fallen in love with?

"...is this actually happening?"

We fill out paperwork, and wait... but paper has no heartbeat. Paper is nothing to hold on to... and if I can't see something, it just isn't real to me.

"Am I ready?"

And other days, I wonder if I'm setting myself up for failure, and worry that I'm going to be the world's worst mother.

In the last few years, few things have been more unpleasant than finding out a friend or relative (especially those much younger and/or un-expecting/unprepared than myself) were pregnant (or, less frequently, completing an adoption). I knew that one day our time would come, and that we'd be parents. I had faith that God's plan for our family would, at some point, unfold beautifully.

It still hurt though - every time.

But now, there are days like today.

Days when I find out another friend is expecting... and I am purely full of joy and excitement for them. No jealousy, no fist-shaking at the heavens, no awkward silences or tearful prayers.

Nothing but happiness.

Because we're on the road to Little Winn... and (s)he is as real as if (s)he were in my belly... except that I might just get out of this without stretch-marks.

...total bonus!

An Inexplicable Love

Today I just want our Little Winn to be home.

I know, I know... I'm trying hard not to sound sappy and ridiculous. I haven't even met the kid. I don't even know if it's a he or she, or whether (s)he is already in preschool, or was just born. To emotionally complicate things further, we won't know until we arrive in Eastern Europe... which is nearly a year away.

When I'm not busy working or doing homework, I think of our Little Winn. Is (s)he in a state-run orphanage, or "fortunate" enough to be in a privately operated Christian facility? Is (s)he being held enough... or at all? Are kind words being spoken to him/her? Has (s)he had enough to eat? If (s)he's old enough to understand the situation, does (s)he have hope that we'll be there soon? However insufficiently, is (s)he being shown love by someone? Anyone?

The concept of loving a soon-to-be-adopted child has always made sense to me. Having known others who've adopted internationally, I've seen that engulfing love that overcomes them when they look at their baby's picture.

We, however, do not have a picture. All we have is an answered prayer. I definitely underestimated the frustration, longing, and love that would immediately result after receiving an answer to those prayers. The moment I felt our Heavenly Father had given His blessing on a Ukrainian adoption, a formerly unknown Slavic child suddenly became our child.

...and it's crazy how such a thing can change a person as much as it has.

So how can I explain the love I have for Little Winn before I know a single thing about him/her? To even consider elaborating makes me feel like an emotional nutcase.

...and so I won't.

I love our Little Winn already, I can't explain it, and I'm certainly not gunna fight it.

My cousin Laurel recommended a song by Matthew West to me, called "Safe and Sound". I downloaded it on iTunes and have it playing constantly, in hopes that I'll be come desensitized to it and won't cry every time it comes on.

I can't wait for Little Winn to be home safe and sound.

Can't believe you're here now

tiny dream come true.

The answer to a prayer now,

I'm so in love with you

couldn't wait to meet you.

hope you like your name

I get the funny feeling

life will never be the same

Safe an sound,

you're here with me now,

like I hold you near.

Safe and sound.

You're here with me now.

That's all I'll ever need

The world's a scary place here

but baby it's alright

I'll make sure the coast is clear

so you can just sleep tight.

But if you're afraid of monsters

like every body is,

I'll be right beside you,

closer than a kiss.

Safe and sound

I'm here with you now

and you will always be,

safe and sound

I'm here with you now

and that's all you'll ever need.

And some day I'm gunna teach you

the reason why we pray,

so that Heaven's love may reach you

every single day.

So baby close your eyes now

and say a prayer with me:

'Lord I lay me down to sleep now

but I know I will be

safe and sound'

you're here with us now

and we will always be,

safe and sound.

You're here with us now,

and that's all we'll ever need.

You're all we'll ever need.

Shopping Complications

However trivial it may be, one of the most difficult aspects of Ukrainian adoption is that you don't specifically know the age or gender of the child until you arrive in country (at which point you are presented with several profiles of potential matches, much like you would normally do prior to traveling, with other countries). It's not like we don't have a say in things, but between the Ukrainian system and God's will... we could come home with just about anything, haha!

All we know is that Little Winn will be somewhere between 12 months and 5 years old.

So... pacifiers or preschool? Time will only tell! We'll be thrilled with either, but my obsessive compulsive planning/online-shopping has become a bit more complicated lately.

Thus far, these are the only safe purchases I've decided on, as they will be appropriate for any child in our age category.

1. A Britax Boulevard car seat (or seat with similar capabilities and features).

I've already decided to keep my kids rear-facing for as long as possible. It's far safer, and I'm cool with swimming against the cultural stream on this issue. The seat rear-faces to 35 pounds, so a 1-3ish year old would be well protected. It can then be used forward-facing, with 5 point restraints, to 65 pounds. As I also plan to keep my kids "locked down" in 5-points longer than most, a seat like this will work for any child in the age range we've applied for.

2. Toddler Bed. I googled crib mattress measurements. I also consulted a CDC growth chart. Any normal 1-5 year old will fit in one nicely. I know, I'm obsessive. I have extra time on my hands with Donald still deployed... so go easy on the judging ;-) . If we get a squirmy 1 year old, we'll pick up a pack n play. We also have a twin bed in the craft room, so if Little Winn turns out to be a gargantuan kindergartner, we're equally set.

The inability to fulfill my insatiable shopping-itch is a good thing. It forces me to keep things simple, and to keep pinching those precious pennies.

...because seriously, when Little Winn gets here, we're going to the mall, and staying until they kick us out. That requires lots of pinched pennies, I'll tell you what.

Foster-Adoption? Think Again...

I was told by TWO different social workers at DSHS, both in the foster parenting 0ffice/department that there are, and I QUOTE,

"no children available for adoption"

No, I'm not kidding.

According to both women, whose numbers I got from the Foster-Adoption page of the DSHS website, there are no children (other than teenagers) available at all in the entire state of Washington. Not even special needs. They said that "Foster care isn't for adopting. The purpose of foster care is reunification with natural parents."
"Yes," I very sweetly responded, "and I completely agree. But some children, for whatever reasons, aren't reunited, and parental rights are terminated and they become eligible for adoption, right?"
Their response? It was long, political, condescending, and full of misinformation and blatant lies.
I'll spare you all the details (because frankly, I was too flabbergasted to remember them all), but both women (whom I spoke to separately) turned me away and told me to call a private agency for designated infant or international adoption.

I couldn't believe what they were telling me. Had the millions of "waiting children" in our country fled the State of Washington, or was I just being flat-out LIED to??

After talking to another foster-adoptive parenting and doing some online research, their rejection and dishonest bull-jive makes a bit more sense. It's all a bunch of garbage politics, and it's outraging.

Maybe I'll have the energy to blog it all another day, but right now I don't. I'm just too drained.

But yeah, if ever you feel like pointing fingers at people who spend oodles of cash going overseas to adopt, rather than "helping the kids here at home", you now know who to blame. The freakin' Washington social workers themselves, who apparently view hopeful adoptive parents as desperate baby-snatchers.