Friday, August 12, 2011


Sometimes it's while I drive home from work, while other days it's not until I'm making dinner. But at least once a day, when I'm alone, I find myself completely overcome by sadness about the adoption falling apart.

It's a deep, confusing, sorrowful anguish. Yep, it's every bit as dramatic as it sounds. And then, because I need to, I pull myself together.

Generally speaking, I'm doing well. At least 23 hours a day, I'm composed, functioning, and very happy. Compared to what orphans looks forward to in life, my situation isn't that bad. Donald and I aren't the worse off party in all of this. Life continues for us... but for the orphans? Nope. And that's what kills me most. While we are quickly working on Plan B for our family, I am always mindful that these children have no Plan B. What they were dealt in life is what they get. On the surface, this adoption falling through has altered our life very little. Life continues for us. But "normal"? I don't think I'll ever return to my pre-adoption self.

When the life of a child is involved, there is no forgetting.

Even if all three of "our kids" found permanent homes(remember? one did!), there would still be 147 million more faces just like theirs. Lost, alone, and forgotten by everyone but God... and a handful of people around the world, like myself, broken hearted for them.

I'm still trying to figure out how I fit into the adoption world now. Given my current state, I've tried (poorly) to distance myself from it. I will continue to advocate for children needing families. Everyone can play a small role in redeeming these angels, even if it's not as parents. Still, I find myself having to be cautious about how deeply I allow myself to delve into the adoption world, because I'm just not strong enough for it at times. In fact, at the threat from Donald of blocking on my computer, I've agreed to not browse through the hundreds of sweet faces because we can't bring them home and it rips me apart.

Am I sounding crazy yet? Well, I'm not.
I'm recovering, and holding on to the knowledge that one day, though it may be a few years from now, adoption will be a part of God's plan for our family. Until then, I continue on with my happy little middle-class American life to my very best ability, and enjoy every moment with my husband, friends, and family that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with.

But forget? I never will, and I think that's what God wants from all of us.

Friday, August 5, 2011


Donald Robert Winn

Born 29 years ago today.

The planet Earth never saw what was coming.

Happy Birthday, Baby-Love!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

No Speculation. Just Bad News.

Aren't they beautiful?

We didn't know it when we committed to them, but all 3 have hazel eyes of identical shades to Donald or I.

Several weeks ago we thought the adoption was over.

Then we had renewed hope.

Now, it's 100% official, and for the worse. We've withdrawn from the adoption process. No if's and's or but's. It's done.

We continue to hope and pray that U.krain.e allows children under 5 to be adopted again. When that time comes, I pray that Alyona (Brigitte) and Valeriya (Virginia) have families out there who will find them.

However, our adoption journey has ended. The universe has made it abundantly clear.

Reece's Rainbow is awesome. I have nothing but positive things to say about them. They're a blessing and truly do what they do for God's most favored and forgotten children.

We had 99% of the paperwork complete. We had every dollar needed to make it happen. But the reasons went so far beyond the tangible.
My iPhoto is filled with their pictures, along with Fletcher's. A very broken piece of my heart will always be reserved for 3 HIV+ orphans across the ocean who I will never get to hold.

I'm angry and miserable, but it is what it is.

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