Friday, May 6, 2011

Battle On

"We must not sink beneath our anguish, but battle on."
-Professor Albus Dumbledore

What were the odds that we'd loose two referrals? Lost referrals are uncommon, but certainly not unheard of. Two, within weeks of each other though? I mean, really?
Not many referrals have been lost back to back like this. If we had selected any other children, we wouldn't be in this position.

So I ask again: what are the chances?

The answer? There are no chances in adoption, only master plans. There is no irony, no bad luck, no injustice. Only things beyond our understanding.

In the first minutes after we received the news, I was so upset. A selfish anger for myself, mostly. It was shortsighted, self-pity at its best. Make no mistake, I am a grateful woman with a very blessed life, but all that came to mind was "Oh God, why??" Of all people, why us? Neither Donald nor myself come from traditional or particularly stable backgrounds. Donald lost his family at a young age, and has no living relatives remaining. My history is less sad and dramatic, but between the two of us, all we want is a family. We want our American dream, darnnit!

But what about their dreams? For every privileged woman like myself, crying about life not unfolding within the parameters of her comfort zone, there are 147+ million children going to bed without families tonight. Many of them face institutionalization or painfully short lifespans, due to medical or developmental challenges they face.
Reality check, Katrina! This isn't about me!

Of all the children we could have fallen in love with, we fell in love with those two beautiful boys for divine reasons.
They lit a fire beneath us. They got us moving in the right direction.

And we're not wavering from that course. There will be no sinking beneath our anguish.
Our child(ren) are out there.

Thank you so much to everyone who has sent prayers, thoughts, emails, comments, phone calls, or texts my way. When things get hard, it sometimes feels like we're alone in this journey... which, in fact, we are not.


  1. I'm praying for you guys as you grieve and as you discern God's leading.

  2. You're being faithful. The Lord will bless you indeed. I'm excited to see where your journey will go.

  3. You're an inspiration! Keep leaning on the Lord and he will never steer you wrong. We love you two and we'll be praying for you and your future family! :)

  4. I'm praying for you. You are right, your kids are out there waiting for you to find them, I'm praying God he shows you what are His plans for your family.

  5. It looks like you have a knack for finding the special children. Your boys were so amazing that, despite the odds, they both found local families. That sucks for you guys since you have to experience losing them. Hopefully, it will be a positive thing for the boys.

    One thing is for sure, there are too many older children in need in the world and so few people willing to adopt them once they're not babies any more. Throw in a special need (like being HIV+) and there are even fewer people to answer the call to care for the orphans.

    God has prepared your heart and your husband's heart to long for these children and desire to be their parents. You are absolutely right that your child/children are out there. Best of all is that while you work to find your way to them, He is holding them in His arms.

    I wish you the best of luck as you move into the next phase of your adoption journey.

  6. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still praying for you as you try to figure out how best to move forward from here!


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