Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Difficult Decisions

The country we're adopting from is extremely unstable right now. Donald has training (which he can't get out of, ugh) in August, so we can't risk submitting our dossier in June (as it would likely result in an August travel date).

We're still waiting to hear whether HIV+ children we be included as a special need under the new law that outlaws the adoption of children under 5 without special needs.

Huge changes (of unknown form and degree) are scheduled to take place on June 15th.

Assuming nothing actually changes (in terms of paperwork for us), we'd be submitting our dossier in late July or early August, with a travel date (presumably) in the fall.

Which leaves zero room for error, as Donald deploys next summer. We'd like at least a few months of bonding time before daddy leaves for a year.

And that's assuming Brigitte and Virginia (the girls we placed commitment paperwork in for) remain adoptable. In the current climate, it seems not-so-unlikely that they could become ineligible for adoption between now and then. Just today, a parent arrived in-country with the impression she was adopting two specific children, only to be told one was not available.

So we face some difficult decisions.

If we give up on adopting these two girls - well, we're giving up on them. Giving up. Just thinking it makes me feel despicable... but at what point do I start making calculated and logical decisions, instead of letting my heart string me along and into ruins?

If this adoption goes south a few months down the road, it won't leave us time to complete another adoption (and could we afford a different country?) before Donald deploys. Pushing off parenthood for another 12+ month deployment? We'd then be starting the process all over again, then completing an adoption in 2013-ish.

I just don't have the patience. Or the willpower. Or the strength of heart and mind.

After 5 years of infertility and struggling to adopt, I just feel so... forgotten by God.
The infertility, I was fine with. Seriously. It sucked, but I quickly got past it. There are kids who need families, and parenthood has little to do with expelling a child from your uterus. Message received.

But every single step of our journey being filling with roadblocks? We would have had a child home from Eastern Europe by now if Donald's last tour of duty hadn't been needlessly extended (and I do mean needlessly. He sat in Arizona for months after coming back from Afghanistan. He was doing NOTHING - just waiting for orders, which had been deleted, to be reinstated so he could return home to his duty station).

So... why all the drama, God? Surely, He has reasons. Why I remain in the dark... I've yet to realize. I'm worn out from playing the drama queen role, and I really hope he knows that. We're ready for a nice, quiet, simple life.

So will we continue with our plans to adopt from Eastern Europe?

I just have no freakin idea any more. And I'm burnt out.


  1. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

    We started our adoption last August for two specific little boys in Lesotho. When the day came that we were supposed to be matched with them, we were instead matched with two completely different children that did not even fit within the age limits on our homestudy. We had to give up on all four children - the two we had started the process for five months prior and the two we were matched with. I was a mess. Absolutely a wreck. I spent about a week crying and telling my husband it was ridiculous that after five miscarriages and losing three referrals and then having to turn down these other two boys that we were still fighting to adopt again.

    And then we found out about the boys in Uganda. The ones that I believe firmly were supposed to be ours all along. The thing is, this journey isn't ever easy. There are a lot of ugly, difficult moments and it feels like there are no right answers. But God hasn't forgotten you and He does have a plan.

    Praying for you.

  2. Oh Katrina, My heart aches for you. It is so not easy looking forward and even harder trying to figure out if you are even on the right path. I wish peace for you in this journey. You are such incredible, beautiful people and you will make amazing parents. I wish God could just call you up on the phone tonight and tell you what amazing plan he has for you. I heard a song in church the other day that at first I wasn't all that impressed with. But by the end of the song I was in tears because I realized the song had deep meaning to me. I had wanted Christ to come and fix things when I wanted them fixed but he came and fixed them when it was the right time and I stood back and marveled at the miracle. Here is a link to that song. If Thou Had Been Here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlgdHwT8rMs
    I pray that you don't have to wait much longer for him to come and give you your miracle :)

  3. I really can relate. Sometimes I feel burned out and like I should just give up. I have no doubts about having Carmen as my daughter, but I have doubts galore about the process. We are still in the homestudy phase, and we have already had two speedbumps that have delayed us for weeks and cause so much frustration and doubts on my side. Praying you find your answers!


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